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Full compulsory military conscription in Indonesia MUST be implemented immediately before it is too late!

According to plans drawn up by the Indonesian defence minister, Indonesia will recruit 100 million personnel for Indonesia’s “Defending the State” program within the next 10 years.

Through such a program “the spirits of patriotism and love of the Fatherland would be planted in every citizen.”

All men and women aged between 18 and 70 would be obliged to sign up with special battalions of old-aged pensioners.

These “Dad’s Army” battalions would only be supplied with brooms rather than guns.

“At that age their eyesight is so poor they are more likely to shoot each other rather than the enemy. There’s no need to take any unnecessary risks.”

“Despite Indonesia’s huge armed forces (numbering around half a million), the threat of foreign invasion has never been higher”.

“Indonesia is literally surrounded on all sides. To the south we have Australia and there is no telling what they might do after a few bintangs. Just look at how they have devasted Bali."

"Closer by are those canny Singaporeans and given they only have a small island it’s only natural they are jealous of our vast lands. And as for the Malaysians, well they are just a despicable bunch of boisterous hooligans who claim our culture and eat our cuisine (they especially like nasi padang).

Among our women’s battalions, we will have one especially for celebrities, models and actresses. I’m sure they will give the sexy North Koreans a run for their money.

And to boost the spirits of our cadres, all will be given nasi bungkus twice a day (although you will have to pay a joining-up fee, uniform fee and membership card fee …)

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Rain come down and give this dirty town
A drink of water a drink of wine

~ Dire Straits

The wackiness is unrelenting, heightening in intensity. It’s been that sort of a week. Fortunately for me, Jakarta is a long way away from what’s left of the smoldering forests and peatland in Sumatra and presumably the wind is also blowing in the right direction – sending the bilious smoke across the Malacca Strait to Malaysia and Singapore instead of to Indonesia’s capital city. The magnitude of this “disaster” is staggering – there are said to have been around 10,000 fires in the last month alone across Sumatra and in Kalimantan (Indonesia’s part of Borneo). This means a lot of smoke. So much so that Greenpeace even expects the Indonesian forest fires to emit more CO2 than the total annual carbon output of the UK! WTF!

You wouldn’t expect our friends in Malaysia and Singapore to be overly pleased by this state of affairs but Indonesia’s Vice President Jusuf Kalla believes otherwise: 

“For 11 months, they (our neighbours) enjoyed nice air from Indonesia and they never thanked us. They have suffered because of the haze for one month and they get upset.”

But Kalla’s comments seemed to strike a cord and a website was even set up to thank Indonesia for the smoke.

Another burning issue in Sumatra – or at least in religiously fanatic Aceh – is lesbianism:

On September 28, 2015, the Wilayatul Hisbah, or Sharia police, arrested the two women identified as AS, age 18, and N, age 19, when the police saw the pair hugging in a public place in Banda Aceh, the provincial capital. A police official told reporters that they “suspected the women were lesbians.”

Suspected lesbians? My god whatever next? Soap opera actresses selling themselves for sex? Well actually yes!

However, according to reports, the smoking hot (sorry!) model and actress Anggita Sari, who had allegedly been charging around Rp25 million (just less than US$2,000) for a gig, is now a reformed character (or so she says) and is looking to get a proper job in an office (she has an IP above 3):

Hell, who wouldn’t want to work in the office with Anggita? 

Meanwhile, it’s still not clear if a new regulation will be issued by the Jakarta government requiring nightclubs to close by midnight – a bizarre idea considering that most revelers don’t even arrive at a club before that time. Following the recent clampdown on alcohol sales this just looks like more zealous lawmaking by numb-skulled lawmakers.

And finally, after many months, it actually rained this week in Jakarta!

Rain come down
and give this dirty town
A drink of water
a drink of wine…